Struggling in the Wilderness

“In the desert the whole community grumbled against Moses and Aaron. The Israelites said to them, “If only we had died by the Lord’s hand in Egypt!”

[Exodus 16:2-3]

Every time I read the story of the Israelites complaining in the wilderness, to be honest, my first reaction is pretty judgmental. They watched God rain down the ten plagues on Egypt. He parted the Red Sea. And He gave them food from heaven and water from a rock! But it never took them long to revert back to complaining and believing God wasn’t really with them. How could they forget so easily?!

But seasons like this reveal how much I am just like them.

While Timisoara is a thriving beautiful city, the last seven weeks have felt like the wilderness for my soul. Being away from the place and people I love has been a lonely experience. Being away from ministry I feel called to has left a longing for purpose in my soul. Too many days I have felt like I’m wandering aimlessly.

Now, like with the Israelites, God has given me many blessings even in the wilderness. New friends. Encouraging conversations. Progress in language. He has made it clear that He is with me, that He wants me here.

But sadly, because life here overall is not what I expected or wanted, I quickly forgot the blessings and instead complained to God or turned to other things for satisfaction. I wanted God to show me what I was supposed to do in my spare time here in Timișoara. I wanted Him to deliver me from the wilderness— the loneliness and boredom. But when His response was not clear, I decided to try to fill the space myself with numbing TV, and the more I did that, the less I was even listening for God’s voice and direction. I failed to trust Him and His plan for this season.

The beauty of the story of the Israelites is that God remained faithful even though His people failed over and over. God was faithful to the point of sending His son to the cross to die so we, His imperfect people, could still be in relationship with Him. So in this season, I am so thankful for my Savior and my God, who loves faithfully, even when I am not faithful.

I am finally accepting that God is not going to deliver me from the wilderness. He wants to use this time to draw me closer to Himself. [Hosea 2:14] “I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her.” If I choose to seek Him in the silence and loneliness, this has the potential to be a season of growth and preparation for times to come. I don’t know exactly what it looks like, but I know this is what God is asking of me – to trust Him.